


What A Blessing It Was

by helenumbrella



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-06-06 02:18:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6733984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helenumbrella/pseuds/helenumbrella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes the most important moments weren't the kisses or the good times or the wedding. the most important moments were the ones when you hated each other, didn't trust each other, didn't talk. it means that you loved each other so much that you decided that your love could bypass those obstacles. james and lily when they were at their worst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Last Time

Lily could not count the number of times she had wept at the top of the Astronomy Tower. Once for her sister, for Severus, for her parents, for little things like her recent rating of “Acceptable” on her Ancient Runes calculations homework, for the burnt toast she had scraped across the roof of her mouth in the morning. Trivial stuff.

Maybe I was meant to be a weeping willow, Lily thought savagely as she leaned on a railing next to the owls at Hogwarts, maybe then something would make sense. She had been tearing the homework away and letting the pieces drift into the wind, her distaste for her calculations clear from kilometers away. She sat there for at least an hour, thinking, before she sighed and began to gather the rest of her things. She could do with a nap, maybe Runes would make sense if she spent an hour asleep.

As she was heading down, she saw a shadow flicker in the torchlight, and then hissing. Recalling the recent attacks against muggleborns in the wizarding world, Lily wasn’t too keen to figure out the root of the noise. Suddenly, shouting at the end of the hallway began. Terrified, Lily planted her back against the wall. “Protego Maxima!” She whispered, and then heard a faint smattering of footsteps. Lily then shrieked as a hand touched her back and another hand planted itself on her mouth. When she turned around, James Potter had materialized out of nowhere, and removed the hand over her lips. He put a finger to his lips, signaling silence. He reached into his pocket and drew out his invisibility cloak.

“Under here!” James had whispered urgently, “Let’s go now.” Lily had quietly followed him, almost dropping off of the staircase once when he had stopped suddenly to let out of bed students pass. When they had made it back to the Common Room they had both collapsed, James on the couch, Lily in front of the fireplace. As Lily crawled towards the fire, James had instead cast a heating spell to keep her from going up in the flames.

James had stayed, sitting behind her the entire time, and Lily wished he would just leave. What an arrogant thing to do, stick around to hear her grovel a thank you for his privilege of a birthright. Pureblood, what a blessing to be born with. How could she ever pay him back after this favor? 

And as soon as those thoughts had materialized, James had risen to his feet, crossed to the stairs up to his dorm, looked back, and climbed the stairs.


	2. The Second

The second time Lily meets James, she is falling asleep in her most dreaded class: Ancient Runes. She startles awake when a small parchment airplane lands in her lap. She folds her hands over the airplane as Professor Babbling walks by, pretending to study her meticulous notes. When she checks the professor is behind her, she pries the folds open, only to find a small heart doodled with only her initials in the middle. Lily glances around and catches James staring at her.

Her face heats up, and she crumples the parchment under her airplane. Lily doesn't turn around again, there’s no need to check James’ reaction, he had been staring at her all day, James would get the message of her discarding his message so carelessly.

At 3 P.M., when Lily is studying beneath the beautiful oak tree next to the benches in the courtyard, she feels a shadow loom over her. When she glances up, it’s James again, a look of sorrow on his face.

“Hello.” Lily says carefully, “Did you need something?” She notes that he hasn’t shaved in a while, and his stubble is growing, enough to scratch his throat. Clearly, something has been distracting him to the point where he doesn’t keep up his appearances. It occurs to her that the reason is probably her, but admitting it takes time and truth and Lily has got neither to spare at the moment, when she is being hunted like prey in a world that didn’t accept her in the first place.

At that moment, Lily doesn’t know how to respond, what to say, what to do with this grown boy, the young man, who appraises her with a knowing look. She hates hates hates how there are so many awkward silences between them, how he pauses so she feels compelled to fill in the silence with talk, but this time Lily is sick and tired of James Potter and his social games that pressure her to reassure him. She's done enough reassuring for her entire life. Lily is blunt when she says: “Would you like to sit down? I’m only halfway through my Transfiguration homework, and I haven’t the slightest idea how to finish my other two paragraphs.” Her mind races with _make your words uncaring make him leave let me study alone._

James takes her up on her offer and sits criss-cross applesauce across from her, and takes her essay from her. His eyebrows furrow at the beginning 4 paragraphs and he picks up her quill to scratch out sentences and make notes on the sidelines of her essay. During the silence, Lily closes her eyes and leans back against the tree trunk, breathing in deeply. Out of patience, out of time, out of any sense of well-being to have aggravation sitting next to her like a sparked match. _Petunia was right_ , Lily thinks suddenly, _I will never be able to fit into both worlds, what a waste._ Lily shifts, suddenly uncomfortable to feel the magic running under her veins, to exist in such a magical place, next to people bursting with magic in their very souls.

Just then, James speaks the first words in a week to her: “The derivation of the transformation formula only applies to spells that fall within the categories of the theorem. Look here, bodyweight (a), viciousness (v), wand power (w), concentration (c), aren’t all applied within the same frame of reference. You can’t back up your claim without using the Parallel-Axis Theorem.” He looks up, and sees Lily enraptured.

“That was physics,” Lily whispers, “When did you have time to learn muggle mechanical physics?” James pauses for a beat, and looks back at her.

“I don’t always spend my time goofing off and playing pranks with my friends.” He replies.

“I know.” Lily says.

“The only thing I can’t learn how to do is make you happy, it seems.” James says and he stares harder at her essay, daring not to speak until she responds again.

Lily suddenly can’t look at him, speak to him, listen to him, be near him, stay with him. She swallows hard and then speaks truths that James Potter has yet to hear.

“Sometimes, when you can’t do something, it’s not because you didn’t try hard enough. Sometimes it’s just because the universe decides the timing isn’t right, or the chemicals in our brains don’t work the same way. You should stop blaming yourself for not being my boyfriend, because sometimes, it just doesn't happen.

James smiles for the first time in a long time. He stands up, brushes the grass off of his thighs and knees, and looks at Lily. Truly looks at Lily and loves her. “I love you. You might not love me back, but that’s what I feel right now. I just think you should know that.” He walks away and leaves a sorrowful girl with reassurance.


	3. The Wedding

Her dress was never white. Lily Evans dreamed of a pure white wedding since she was 4. Her gown, intricate in the details. Her veil, spotless. Her shoes, 3 ½ inches tall and sparkling. Petunia would be her maid of honor. Lacy and Elizabeth from next door would be her bridesmaids and she would get married to Daniel from the playground. Her parents would sit in the front row, faces beaming for their second daughter. Her primary schoolmates sitting on chairs, applauding for her superior choice of husband. Simple, easy, clean-cut.

Present day Lily doesn’t have a white gown. She doesn’t have a veil, and her shoes are the ones she wore when she graduated Hogwarts. Her dreams are a little different, and it’s not Daniel that she’s marrying, it’s James Potter. It’s not Petunia that is her maid of honor but Alice Longbottom. She doesn’t have additional bridesmaids, but Sirius is standing behind James in the most mischievous manner possible. Remus is staring at his watch, Peter is twiddling his thumbs and staring at Mary. There is certain rigidness about everything that is done. This was the worst event for security the Order could've imagined, but Dumbledore had insisted on the events proceeding as planned. James had asked Lily if she had minded postponing the wedding for another year, and Lily had agreed. But Dumbledore was heavy in his assurance and so they had proceeded with the engagement and the wedding. Complicated, hard, the biggest mess you’ve ever seen. 

She found it hard to do the details of the wedding in her free time, when she was waiting for James to come home from the heat of battle, when she was patching up wounds with the knowledge she had pirated from Hogwarts' library. She looks at her friends' weddings on their social media and wonders if they ever felt this kind of intensity when they were planning their weddings. Lily spent forever choosing a secure venue, arranging the priest to be there (a hefty bribe that James helpfully supplied), and of course all of the small things that she hadn't seen before. A lot had to be cut out to maintain safety. Lily fights with Moody about every single guest she wants: the Weasleys, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald, even Remus himself. She tries not to think about the w _hat if._  Tries not to think about Severus and what he could be doing if she didn't cut him off, but those objections were settled years earlier. There will be no time for tears tonight. Simple, easy, clean-cut.

She once joked to James that once the war was over, they would have a second wedding, and do all of the things that they were able to do the first time around. James had taken her seriously, and asked where she'd like the second place to be. She had hit him lightly on the arm, swatting his kisses. "One will be enough." she declared, hip rolling over to face James on the bed, "One shot is all we would ever need. I'm never leaving you again." He had wrapped her up in a hug, and slowly but surely, drifted off to sleep. Complicated, hard, the biggest mess you’ve ever seen. 

Lily doesn’t regret it. Not one bit. If she could start over, she’d choose this lifetime over and over and over again. She’d say yes to James’ proposal a thousand times over, even if he were as nervous as he was. She’d take the hexes and insults and slurs because it was happiness, and a way of life, and her home, and what she loved. Hogwarts was the best thing that had ever happened to her, magical and non-magical, and Lily knew that the magic coursing through her veins would never leave her, even if she went back and pretended that she was a muggle. Her skill in Charms, her brilliance in Potions, and her exceptional Transfiguration talents only proved that she was magical and that she belonged. She knew who she was and who she was meant to be. Not many people got to have that. It would be a waste to give up a love of something that was so natural and beautiful and belonging to her. Simple, easy, clean-cut.

Lily’s dress is cream colored. It’s bought in a muggle shop, off the rack for $60. It’s beautiful. The hem is coming a little apart, but so are the flowers in her hand, bunches of baby’s breath and forget-me-nots. She thinks this hopefully bodes well for the future, but they’ll see how long it will take for the war to end. She thinks about a baby that she’ll love for the rest of her life. But for now, she put on the dress, lets out her hair, and steps into the white flats that were so dear to her during her finals. She looks at the shoes. Something old. She runs her hands over the dress. Something new. She glances at the flowers. Something blue. She stares at the clock. Something borrowed. Hopefully, she’ll never have to return the time that she borrowed. Complicated, hard, the biggest mess you’ve ever seen.

Lily is so distracted by what she’s thinking until she bumps into Sirius in the hallway. He smiles a genuine smile, a rarity for even Lily. Who would’ve thought: Sirius Black would be the one to walk her down the aisle. There are no words, but Lily is bursting with nerves. The wedding procession starts. Simple, easy, clean-cut.

Lily thinks the smile on James’ face makes it worth it.


End file.
